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chillaTIN
Age. 42
Gender. Female
Ethnicity.
Location Philippines,
School. Univ of San Francisco
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calendar?


March 2024

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it takes TWO!
Sunday. 6.6.04 9:06 am
i can't decide which to start using more often. blogspot? or this one. i wrote earlier on blogspot and i had nothing interesting to write. so whatever. but then this has the option to only allow select people to read which is damn sexy. not that i dont think i'd be showing this to folks anytime soon.

so... folks have graduated and as much as i thought i'd be sad at the idea of me not walking with the folks, i figure it's alright. my timeline isn't their timeline since my timeline isn't even my own...it's GOd's and im okay with that.

nothing much has been going on though in the past 2 months i haven't written anything in xanga or this mugg.. loop and i started talking again online which ended pretty fast with him wanting to come visit the PI. i just dont think it's a good idea and i feel bad he's mad at me, but it's just been too long and drawn out to keep at this madness. i dont think he understands but im praying he will eventually. i just think it's time to drop it and as much as i'd be down to kick it as friends, i dont think him spending a grip of cash just to come out here and see me is wise. that's just screaming EXPECTATIONS which leads to guilt and then obligations and it is time. it is time to move on.. continue walking forward, you know?

anyway, speaking of tension, my mom and i are tense at the moment. i guess people just need their time to themselves and i dont wana crowd her or nothing so i'm keeping quiet and not speaking to her. i'm not mad, i dont know if she is, but whatever is clever. seek peace and pursue it. this is my way of doing so.

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Passion
Tuesday. 3.9.04 11:49 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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my what a time. . .
Monday. 1.26.04 12:59 am
my my my. haevn't written on this crap in a while but whatever. let's see . . at the moment i'm just waiting still.. . for big thangs to happen. for the big PromiSe because i know its coming. yes. it is coming.

tthankk God.

so many things are provoking me but thank GOd for peace of mind because i am physically powerless about a grip of circumstances in my face. man to hate a person is just so..... difficult to not feel at times. i duno anymore about some people.

hMmM books i want to read: east of eden. oprah's book club says its one of the best and maybe i'll be able to understand it considering it deals with a healthy dose of spiritual madness up in it. we'll see though. stupid pi probably wont have it hmm i might have to order. - - - also... dogeaters by jessica hagedorn. . carl said it was good and i trust her judgement abotu books. haehahe not much about guys or antyhgin else though. da vinci code maybe? although i have heard great things about it, i duno if i want to invest in it becuase Kath said that its not enjoyable if u're christian. where that came from i duno but.. LIKE I SAID we'll see. what a list. . . but i'm really looking for that one book that will keep me stuck on it from cover to cover . im sick of tired stories like the crap i see on tv. hMmM the bible of course provides non stop education. . .maybe i should concentrate on that for now.

wow so much on my mind . . . can't even get words into a coherent paragraph. whooa big word. aiiiiiight enough of this.......

payce

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Derailed
Friday. 1.9.04 8:33 pm
love shack was just shown here n finally ended. why was that the dumbest reality show ever? SOOOOOOO STUPID!! good grief can they import some of the good and NEW shows please so i'm not stuck watching this crap and dubbed spanish soaps all day. they send all the reject shows to asia, geez. (i hardly find crap like Charmed worth watching). i think the IMF has something to do with it, sanctioning our entertainment along with everything else because of the philippine's huge ass debt. at least they show recent oprah stuff or else i'd go on a shooting rampage. oh yes and the disney channel is forever updated which makes me happy too.. it's just scary that i like cartoons again. da heck?

oh you wana know what reality tv show i DID enjoy? the bachelorette. yeah i'm a fan ONLY because you can see the difference between how a girl conducts herself in the midst of having options versus a guy (The Bachelor I). reality tvshows that have females with the power to choose are more successful because girls BY FAR have a better ability in picking the winner out of a lineup of 20 dudes than guys do. guys in all reality tv shows just look for booty and are led by their wang. they're less able to discern who the better choice is to have a lasting relationship with because Willy does the choosing.

same moronic crap girls have to deal with in real life. which is why I am a lesbian. HAHAHHAHA just kidding.

anyway, it's really funny because lately i've been hearing about high school friends getting married, having children, getting ready to or having settled down especially with graduation just around the corner. when my whole educational plan got derailed one of the things that really depressed me was how my ability to settle down was pushed back. it threw my "timeline" off. now i look back and i think DANNNNNNNNNG what the heck was i thinking?!?!?! it strikes me as crazy how right my dad was about a lot of things not that there's anything wrong in aspiring to marry your high school sweetheart soon after you land a job after college (to pave the way for that family and minivan)... but it's just not me!!! i can't imagine even wanting to take on such responsibilities before i travel the world, do meaningful work, perhaps write a book and .. learn to drive? AHHAH!!

my point is that the highly coveted american dream isn't my dream after all. everyone is called to serve different purposes in life and what we're made to believe we want doesn't mean it's really for us. i just wish everyone else would agree with me on this one! i think people would be in a happier place to realize such things about themselves even if it means going against conventional wisdom. (see what time off does to you?)

so yes... huge HUGE revelations in the year 2004 ALREADY! my goodness! i'm very grateful. family, as usual, trips once in a while but i am praying really really hard that we all get on the same page finally. a house divided does not stand and this i know for a fact. i'm not really that worried becuase i know prayer works and to underestimate what GOd can do for a person's life is not good...like a fatty insult. really though, i never thought things could turn out so well but they have! thanks God for blessing me!

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Oh oh oh
Wednesday. 1.7.04 5:29 am
dizaaang okay so i accidentally deleted my original entry but AS I WAS SAYING.. today is an unusual day in the wilderness. i hope this gets settled becuase i really don't want to have to fight with anyone. i hope that someone LISTENS today to waht has to be said but i duno.. that's in God's hands now.

i had THE most unusual dream last night and hn was in it. i duno but i'm getting weird vibes about this whole thing again, but we'll see. i wonder what it is my subconscious/unconscious is trying to tell me. really though..

oh yeah and HECKA people are PREGNANT! what the heazy for sheazy!? people i grew up with and went to school with. i swaer it's that sacramento water or something. AND the whole serious relationship love crap before your 20's will definitely mean you are gona settle down earlier. that's crazy though especially when i saw MJB's picture 7 months pregnant! Oh HAYYYLLLL..... she looks the same but to think that scandalous girl is going to have a child. good Lord, please help us. but then again, sometimes a child is all it takes to change a person and their perspective. i am happy for her though and definitely wish her the best of luck not only in her pregnancy but with all of it.. the whole motherhood, wifedom. i hope her baby turns out very healthy. man, that's really something. I never would have imagined she would be one of the first to ... grow up.

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mang
Sunday. 1.4.04 10:12 pm
gosh, when God tests you, He really tests you. that's for sheazy. and the feeling most people can't stand is the feeling of being helpless in a situation but as a Christian one needs to understand that helplessness indicates total reliance on God. . . which is how it should be and kickin back and letting Him handle the problem pleases Him. times like this i duno if i want to jump up and down and celebrate, or just go back to sleep and forget the world.

Praise God for testing our faith!!! I just hope I pass.

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